For relationship anarchists, there is no order between their connections to pecking – partners, friends, neighbors, colleagues – all think it is the same. They treat all their relationships equally, whether romantic or platonic, and they all believe that each relationship has “the potential of similar or identical emotional, physical or psychological intimacy, love and satisfaction.” No one prioritizes another.
Relational anarchy seems to reflect polymorphism, but there are fundamental differences. Some people who work together apply hierarchies to their relationships – “veto power”, as Lavvynder says. A reasonable relationship anarchist does not place a romantic partner above anyone. “We don’t make rules about other people’s relationships. We just focus on connecting with other people.”
One misunderstanding about relationship anarchists is that they have perfected the relationship dynamics, but that is far from the truth, Lavvynder added.
“A lot of people will tell me, ‘Oh, I wish I could be polygamous or anarchist, but I was too jealous.” I wouldn’t be jealous, just like I was jealous. “In fact, it’s really hard.”
Sam, 33, a music licensing administrator in Los Angeles, said it was all about shared values, not sexual exclusivity. Relationship anarchy prompted her to rethink how she defines a connection. “Everyone is taught the rules when they are young: One person in your life is everything to you,” she said. “Any deviation from this is an irreparable crime.” People feel more fulfilled in relationships, she said, “if they can prioritize others based on what they actually want, and what they expect is what they expect.”
After the breakup, Sam realized it. She is “a weird person,” a non-monogamous newbie and in a romantic relationship that encourages the exploration of her sexual identity. She and her ex are “romantics,” but Sam says she is “deeply uncomfortable and dissatisfied” with all the “casual and often unsatisfactory” sexual experiences. When the relationship ended, she entered a multifamily scene in Los Angeles, and later she learned about relationship anarchy.
José Esteban Muñoz, in Utopia Tour: The Queer Future of the Timessuggests that “queer is a structured and well-educated model of desire that allows us to see and feel the quagmire of the present.” So, it is no surprise that non-mono-marriage young people who identify with LGBTQIA+ and practice ethics find that anarchy is for them.
“We’ve pushed so much social norms, we’re in this place, well, how else can we push it?” Lavvynder said.
